Never Prepared

Last Tuesday morning I was almost done with my overnight shift at work. At 7:50am, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I picked it up, expecting to see a text from the day time emergency doctor, saying she would be running late. Instead it was my dad, with a message I had been expecting pretty much since I was old enough to know what drug addiction meant. My oldest sister, Barbara, age 44, had overdosed and was on life support in the hospital. Twenty plus years of preparing for that moment, and I still wasn't really ready for it.

As the details unfolded, it became more clear that this person who always knew exactly how far she could push herself did not do this by accident. She had been a user for more than half of her life and was always adamant that no one ever do it alone. But she had closed herself in her bedroom that night, had been dropping clues for weeks. All of last week was a process of my family processing the fact that this was ACTUALLY happening, this was no longer a matter of speculation of when or how or why. Everything the doctors were saying, I knew there was no way she was going to wake up. It was such a hard place to be. No, I'm not a human doctor, but I am an emergency doctor, this is the kind of scenario I deal with on an almost daily basis: a dear loved one, terminally injured, with the rest of the family left with guilt and grief and loss. I am proud that it never devolved into what I sometimes see: family blaming each other, taking out their anger and grief on each others' faults and shortcomings. It would have been easy to do, but it didn't. Everyone stayed supportive and understanding, sharing the grief equally. And I'm also grateful that when it came time, Barbara did what all of my clients pray their pets will do: make the decision themselves. Another curse of working in emergency medicine is I knew when I walked into the room that day that her vital signs would not keep going much longer. The decision had already been made that that would be the day she would be removed from life support. My biggest fear was that she would remain stable for days after removal, leaving everyone second guessing the decision. But she didn't do that. She had already made the decision Monday night we knew. She just waited for everyone to accept it. I am grateful for the peace that she met at the end.

But it doesn't make the loss easier. I really didn't see or hear much from her. In fact, I felt like I had to hide, afraid that I could be seen as a source because of my job and how close I was to where she lived. It made me a terrible sister. I deluded myself into believing it was for her own good. But she didn't need anyone's help, didn't ever want it and would never have taken it if it were given against her will. What really mattered to her wasn't how long she lived, just that she mattered to others. And I didn't show her that she mattered, that she was my big sister and that was important to me. It wouldn't have made a difference in the demons that she lived with. But she would have known that she was loved, and that was all she really seemed to care about. Services are tomorrow morning. One more chance for everyone to come together. One more chance to say good bye. I see her every where, and I hope that never changes.

How my childhood memory will always picture her. Love you Barbara.

How Much Is Too Much?

I've had some things on my plate this week. Well, just one big thing any way. I'll post some details when it's more or less over and done with. Let's just say I'm incredibly proud of my family. At a time when emotions have run at their highest, everyone has remained supportive without any blame placing or lashing out. Tomorrow, just one more day I think, before tensions can start to subside and we all start to feel relieved. I'm relieved just knowing that there's an end in sight.

I've laid low on the FB front regarding the AKC requirements for 2016 NAC. I really was looking forward to going back there, where Spy made finals in 2013 and where I hoped Kraft would debut at an AKC Nationals. I purposefully made sure not to trial enough for any of my dogs to be close to qualifying for 2015 in Reno, I just didn't want to have to make that trip again. Plus it would have taken a butt load of trialing to get Kraft qualified since he was still in Novice/Open this time last year. He would have broken down for sure if I had tried. Hadn't really intended on trying to get him qualified for Cynosports, that was kind of an accident. IMO, qualifying for Cynosports is a bit too easy. He got his Steeplechase legs his first two tries. He got Masters Challenge by accident, if he had spun the opposite way when I overshot a weave entry, he would have gotten called for the refusal (that I thought he should have been called for any way) and wouldn't have gotten that either. Then I had to send him with a handler to try to get that second GP leg. And it's still way too easy to go to the US Open, no requirements at all (but they are still growing, so I can see why they are keeping it so open, but that's just it, they are calling it an "Open", do they ever plan to place qualifying requirements on who can attend or just keep making it harder to get byes like they are doing this year?) I thought this year would be a good one to bring the focus back to AKC, it would be a good goal to try to get him into masters and get some consistency in order to be able to get the necessary points by the end of the year. It would still have left me time to play in other organizations too, as qualifying in USDAA should go a little smoother now that he has some mileage, and I was hoping to get plenty of UKI in there as well.

But now this. I really just don't see him getting qualified under the new rules without breaking him down. I looked back at Marron and Spy's records from the past two years. Spy qualified with 580 points for Tulsa, 550 points for Harrisburg, Marron had over 700 points for Harrisburg. Marron has a ridiculously high Q rate. With Spy I was going for Invitational points during some of that time and still would not have made the cutoff, though she had some weave pole issues and weird disconnect problems too. Kraft's Q rate is going to be probably even lower than Spy's was during this time. I just can't see increasing how many trials we do per month though, unless we gave up all of those other things we want to do. I mean, Kraft *could* qualify, if I did 4 trial days per month, which isn't that much, but that's pretty much all the trial days I have available. I know everyone is saying it isn't up to AKC to give a Rat's ass what other organizations people compete in. And I agree with that in part. However, they SHOULD care about who they are going to attract to their national championship. And IMO they should want to attract those who are at the top of their game, regardless of venue. Which means playing nice with people who want to participate in multiple venues. And what it sounds like is they don't care if the "high fliers" no longer come to NAC. So it brings the question of where do we draw the line? I can calmly say that this year, Kraft still doesn't have the experience and consistency to qualify for AKC Nationals, since in order to make up for his current inexperience and inconsistency, I would have to trial so often. I will very comfortably just bow out again this year with him. I think he unfortunately falls into one of the unlucky categories of dogs that may have been specifically aimed at, those young dogs who are not running in Masters and qualifying at a consistent rate by the time the qualifying period starts. Spy probably could qualify without increasing her trialing too much, since her consistency is actually better than it was when she qualified for Tulsa (and she missed a month qualifying for Harrisburg for her surgery). But at what point do I vote with my money and say that AKC is asking too much, even of experienced dogs? Where will they draw the line? When will they find some other way of paring down the entries? I agree that they need to keep entries down, not make it too easy to qualify. But at this point I think they are cutting out the wrong subset of teams. Or am I just being sour grapes because I was one of the subsets of teams that is being cut out? The Novice/Open/Excellent dogs with some talent and promise?

Worth It's Weight

Going to use DABAD: Continuing Education to catch up on my thoughts recently about the OMD membership. I'll see if I can tie my thoughts coherently into something resembling a general post about continuing education in agility.

I posted (on my old blog,  Are We Getting Into One Mind?) about a year ago that I was sort of put off by the promises and advertising of the OMD'ers. I was curious about the system, seeing that it so fit in with the natural, motion based handling system I had been taught. I even subsequently paid for a membership. And for about six months, I grasped at every little tidbit J&J thought fit to dangle in front of wanton handlers (yes, wanton, if you read dinahprincedaly's response to my above post, you would know what I am talking about). And I felt very unfulfilled. One video a month. Occasional "challenges" that required equipment that I did not have (3 tunnels, space to set up something like 7 jumps in a straight line, etc), despite having what I feel to be a full field of equipment. Nothing that I could really USE. No exercises/drills that would magically make me a better handler. No sequences/courses to give me actual homework that would test my skills and tell me if I was on the right track. Then there was that little link in the upper right of the homescreen, the one that said "Next Level", where if you clicked on it, it said, "coming soon". Great, this sounded like what I was really hoping to get out of my membership, but with the "levels" of membership it seemed that they were working towards, I wasn't really looking forward to shelling out more money if this Next Level thing was going to leave me as empty as the premium membership had.

Then there were the two months leading up to my trip to California for Cynosports. Money was tight. My well pump broke, other unexpected expenses came up. I kept meaning to cancel my membership. I couldn't justify the cost any more. But I would keep forgetting and then DAMNIT the money came out of my account again. Kept telling myself, I'll go back and do it later, another month. And then the emails that Next Level was ready to go. And it said nothing about paying an extra fee. Could it be true? When I clicked on the first video, I half expected to see a teaser, and then be rerouted to a site asking me to pay another 20 Euros in order to be able to view the full exercise. That's how that other "icky" foreign program pushing dictator lures in her followers. But to my surprise, it was the real deal. Real handlers running real dogs (ok, I was a little put off that the first video was 4 BC's, but since then they have broadened, I think it was just coincidence). A real seminar, with real advice being given about how they wanted the handlers to perform the sequences, what they were looking for from the dog. And despite all the hype about their techniques being what really drives their handling system, what these first four videos have been about is really just obstacle performance and independence. Because you can't have all the fancy moves without the foundations being solid. Love that. It's like being one of their students, without even having direct input from them. So yeah, I finally feel like the membership has become meaningful, worth it's weight and then some.

So I guess in order to tie this in to continuing education in general, I guess what I will have to say is that online teaching is awesome. There's something out there for just about any need you might have in agility training, and beyond (obedience, tricks, recalls, etc). But there's also a huge variability in the level of involvement for each course. It becomes important to evaluate what your goals and needs are and if they are being met by the course. Sometimes you need might be just that you want exposure, to fulfill some curiosity. That's how I started out with the OMD membership. Once that need was met, I hit a bottleneck. I wanted instruction on how to put the pieces together. My current instructor was being fed the same information, at the same rate, as I was, so other than providing an objective eye (which is not to be underestimated, I still value that side of agility instruction) there wasn't much extra that she was able to provide as far my continuing education. I desperately started to look outside my online experience, but opportunities were relatively limited. Live training just couldn't keep up with virtual exposure. I would have to travel far and wide to find live instruction, which was just something I couldn't afford to do. So how do we mesh the virtual need and growth of knowledge with the limitations that geography and funds present? For now, I am thankful that the OMD'ers were able to come up with a valid solution, a natural outgrowth of what they were already doing. And they seem to be anticipating the next bottle neck that will occur when the 40 weeks of videos concludes. It will likely take me longer than that to work through all of the information they are dispensing, seeing that I have only made it through 2 of the 4 exercises they have released amongst the other skills I want to work on and the ever dropping temperatures and increasing threats of snow. Once this current source has been tapped, the possibility of joining up with a member of their pilot group of instructors becomes intriguing. There's even someone fairly local, but it becomes a question again of availability and practicality, as each instructor is obviously free to choose how much they are able to take on as far as student load. Hmm, I see a theme. Online instruction seems to only lead just so far until real, live face time becomes necessary. I sure hope that for the sake of those of us seeking to maximize our continuing education in this sport, new and innovative ways for the online experience to keep up with our growing needs are developed and experimented with.

A Cluster is Still a Cluster

As much as people complain about how dusty it is, how hard the concrete is, how long and hard the days are, I do really enjoy the Thanksgiving Cluster. Even when it's not on Thanksgiving weekend. I don't dare do more than two days worth, but I fully enjoyed those two days this year, despite having a terrible cough that had me in bed by 7:30 and sapped all of my energy. It's not even the shopping. I don't really shop. Well, maybe window shop. I did buy the dogs' Christmas presents: new leashes for their gentle leaders that I use at hotels. I'm sure they will be thrilled but I hated the tiny little thin nylon leashes that I was using. They weren't really even designed for that, didn't even have a clip, they were free slip leads I had gotten in vet school that I happened notice would work looped through the ring of the slip lead. Yeah, it was time to get real leashes. Been so long since I've done anything with a clip or snap, it was novel. Not that I'm going to be using these any time soon as they only wear the gentle leaders at hotels really, when I need them to behave. Or else. Had to cut way back on trialing for the winter, and pretty much cut out anything that requires a hotel stay until I get some major repairs done on my car and around the house.

My good girls and their placements. Placing at the Cluster is no small feat. Though this year the 8" class was pretty much up for grabs as a certain someone with a billion Papillons did not come. She had been at the US Open the weekend before, and I can see how she might want a weekend off. But still, I thought this was a memorable photo. Marron was a little rock star on Friday, getting her second QQQ, placing fourth in JWW and second in standard. Would have been triple placements but Spy's time was a few tenths faster in FAST with equal points, so Spy got the fourth place. Marron was absolutely flying. I think she would have been faster if I didn't almost collide with her trying to redirect her after we finished the send. I was trying to be careful not to cross the line too early, and waited too long to push her and show her we were turning. Spy I messed up in JWW that day (didn't get to walk it and she was first to go of my two) and she took a bit of a site seeing tour on a turn off the A-frame, so a Q but not very fast time. Obviously, she was rock solid in FAST. The send was pretty easy. You know it must have been when all of the 8" dogs qualified. Saturday they were just in the 2 classes and it was Spy's turn to be on fire, third in standard and fourth in JWW. It wasn't as much of a Marron-type of course so she finished out of the placements there, and I messed her up in JWW with a terrible blind cross.

I don't have any pictures of Kraft with his ribbons. They weren't very exciting ones any way. He had three runs each day, FAST on Friday, T2B on Saturday. He had two fabulous runs and one train wreck run each day. On Friday, JWW was a train wreck. It had an awkward line that I miffed pretty badly and just didn't do a very good job overall on that course. Standard was a gorgeous run that was a very unfortunate NQ. 

After the judge saw the dog do the A-frame, he walked to the right so he was standing to the right of the #6 jump. With some of the fast dogs that I watched in the 12" class, he barely got out of the way of the jump by the time the dog came out of the tunnel. Handlers who chose to stay on the right of the A-frame generally had to dance around him. I didn't want to risk a near collision with the judge with Kraft's weird issues he's had about stressing in the ring, so I chose to try to blind before the A-frame, even though I knew it would risk him missing the tire completely, which is what happened. The rest of the run was so absolutely perfect though, I'm bummed I didn't get to run it the way I wanted to because I'm sure he would have nailed it if I had been able to do so. FAST on Friday, I didn't see a course map before my walk through, so had to come up with something quick and couldn't make something work to get the teeter in, so did a non-pointed dog walk instead. He put on his big boy panties and pretty much did the send by himself with no real direction from me, so hey, if I can't train distance skills, might as well just have a dog who can do it by himself right? His first Open FAST Q and fourth place since I skipped a pointed obstacle.

Saturday started with T2B. It wasn't a particularly exciting course. He wound up third by about 1.5s. Was kinda hoping he would be closer to the top time than that since that dog has a stopped A-frame and it was two A-frames. But hey, he's doing the best he can and that's all I can ask of him. Then we had to go straight over to standard, which was quite a technical course as far as AKC courses go. I knew I would have trouble with the dog walk exit, a tight turn to jump with an off course jump straight ahead, with him being so high after T2B. There was barely a thought of turning. Maybe a slight inkling that he should turn, since he did miss the contact entirely, meaning he wasn't sure what his striding should be, but it went downhill from there. Glad I didn't ask any one to film that. JWW though I was pretty happy about. He got his first Masters Q, his first MACH points. It was a course that really rewarded distance handlers since running with your dog pretty much sent them right at off course obstacles or left the handler too far behind. Distance handling is not our strong suit. But he pulled it off. Seventh place, ~3s off of the winning time, so again bummed that we were that far off, but since it wasn't a course that played to any of our strengths, I guess that's ok.

Overall, lots of room to grow with him I think. He was happy and fast both days, no signs of sad Kraft any where. And after our last day at Cynosport, that was my biggest goal. 

So here's the compilation video:

LaTerre Thanksgiving Cluster

I Feel Bad For Their Students

Got to thinking today about something that happened on our way to California. We were grabbing breakfast in a hotel lobby before heading out, somewhere in Iowa I think, and we saw two people loading up a car with a bunch of Border Collies. They definitely looked like agility people, so we decided to go up and introduce ourselves. Turns out, they were people Mary knew (but didn't recognize from the backs of their heads), who had come to some trials out in the PA/upstate NY area when she was out there. And they were headed to Cynosports as well. We didn't speak much, other than "Oh, hey, that's funny!" We friended each other on FB so we could keep in touch on the journey, but went our separate ways. We caught up with them again in Nevada somewhere, and met for breakfast at a Denny's. One of them asked me what kind of dogs I had. When I told her, she put her hand over her heart, rolled her eyes, and exclaimed, "Oh, I am so sorry!" And then she proceeded to tell me about all the awful Jacks she has ever known. They were both pretty much done talking to me after that. It became quite clear I was on the outside of the conversation from that point forward. Come to find out, these two people teach classes, together I think. Now really? You teach classes, you have students who presumably look up to you, and you are THAT quick to dismiss anyone who doesn't have a breed you consider a worthwhile agility dog? They didn't know anything about me, or my dogs. But they knew I was headed across the country to compete with not one, but three terriers. It's not like I just "got lucky" with one good terrier. Just the kind of people who continue to foster the belief that you have to have a BC to succeed in this sport. Just the kind of people who make people like me afraid to take seminars or classes. And why am I not surprised that they never once acknowledged the fact that I made finals with one of those unworthy terriers? I really thought those days were over, where trainers expected competitors to go out and get a certain type of dog for their sport. But I guess not.
Just one of those things that got under my skin. And will probably stay with me unfortunately.

Calling It

I'm calling Kraft temporarily mentally healed. Last night in class he was completely himself. The dog I love to run. He made mistakes, and he and I laughed at them together. That's how he used to be. I ran with the toy on me. I'll keep doing that for a while, until I know I have him back to himself even in trials. I don't even care if he starts looking for the toy at the trial once he realizes I *don't* always have it again. We'll go back to working on that if that tendency reappears.
So for now, here's a majestic Rattie photo for you:

I call it "Dog on California Beach"

Epic Cynosport Video

One Republic, "I Lived". The perfect song. Giving it all you have. Taking everything in. Learning as you go.

I was originally going to use two songs, and do one part about the traveling, one part about the agility. Would have been able to include more photos of our travels and the complete runs for Marron and Spy's two that I bought. But I like the way this one came out much better.

USDAA Wrap Up, Sans Video

Hmm, so many thoughts about this trip. It was epic for sure. One of those trips that, agility aside, was a once in a life time experience. And I do intend for it to be once in a life time, I don't think I will attempt it again.
Random assortment of photos for those who did not see them on FB:

Getting to California and back was tricky enough. 8 dogs. One car. Every pit stop to potty dogs was a 45 minute ordeal. Lots of dogs on kibble who aren't used to it. LOTS of water slurped up every night, many water bowls spilled in hotel bathrooms. Lots of bowels and bladders who were very unhappy with the change. Yeah, not something to do on a regular basis. Baffling conundrum: traveling across country by car would be easier with one or two dogs, but at that point, cheaper and more efficient to fly. So yeah, glad I don't intend to be running three dogs at once for much longer.

We did see plenty of beautiful country. The photos above are just a small sampling. 18 days. 12 state lines crossed getting to CA, 14 state lines on the way back, 20 different states total. There is so much variety in this country. Mountains, desert, prairie, farm lands, lakes... and you could see it all in one day. It was amazing how quickly landscapes could change. And so much of it still wild. It's easy to forget about that living here on the east coast, where everything is so developed and we have to go out of our way to find hiking and natural beauty. It's there. You just have to work at it. But you know those maps from outer space? The ones that show night time lights on earth? And there are NO lights in the middle of the country? Yeah, it's like that. Nothing out there. Beautiful. But so not habitable. Life just seems so hard out there. Even the areas where there was evidence of farming. It's just so hard to make a living at that, such a small margin for error. One drought and you're finished. It's scary to think about, the allure of having that much space, but the terror of knowing that you're literally living on the edge. I'll be sticking to the safety here on the coast I think. As much as I loved all that open space, I need security. I'm a big wimp I guess. I think before vet school I would have loved the idea of moving out there. Now there's those big bills to pay. Makes one less adventurous when one is in debt :(

The agility itself...

My goals were simple, give Kraft a positive first experience at a national event, enjoy my last national event with Marron as fully as possible, and just keep doing what I have always done with Spy, run her like normal. Kraft was a mixed bag. Days 1-4, I think I accomplished that goal. But then day 5... On Wednesday he had three runs, the warm up Power and Speed and quarter finals for both Steeplechase and Grand Prix. He ran tentatively in all three, but improved throughout. There was so much to look at. The ring gating tended to blow in the wind, which I knew would be a huge distraction for him, allowing flashing glimpses of the dogs running in the adjoining rings. So much to take in. In Grand Prix, he picked up quite a bit of confidence throughout the course and actually ran clean other than missing his dog walk contact. It was obstacle 4 and he just hadn't picked up enough momentum and confidence, so he missed. I was quite ok with that. Steeplechase he was clean so was through to the semis. Day 2 he had no runs. Day 3 he had Steeplechase semis. OMG. Run for the record books. He came out of his crate that day ON IT. He was ready. He knew what we were there to do. I was so proud of him. He wound up second. SECOND! Beaten by a WT poodle and very experienced handler. Wow. I could watch the video of that run over and over again. Day 4 started with Fancy standard. He had two off courses, one of which I predicted, the other I didn't even see. But solid run for a baby dog. I was very pleased with how he was running by that point. Then the agonizing wait for finals that night. USDAA sure doesn't rush anything. I could really have done without the costume contest. It's a late enough night as it is. Watched the performance dogs go. Bug Bug got 6th! Was so happy for Mary. Then it was time for us. I really felt confident about my handling plan. I saw some others that made it work, some where it went down in flames. It all really hinged on him letting me get a HUGE lead out, bigger than I think I've ever asked him to do in a trial. But damn if that wasn't the best part of the run! He held that stay like a champ, stomping the ground, pouncing, as ready and focused as he ever is. No worries, no fear, tuning out all the lights and noise and just ready to run. Then I released him and we started. I guess he did miss his first A-frame, I didn't see since my handling plan required me to be way behind the down ramp. The turn still wasn't as good as I wanted, something to work on. But he was still pretty focused. Then my blind before the A-frame. As he came over the jump before the one I was going to blind, I saw his head swivel towards the media tent, and I had to make a quick decision to stick with my blind or abort and try to get him back with a front. I decided to go with the blind. Probably hesitated too much deciding and he wound up going over the off course. I still wanted to finish the run and got him back, but as we came back through that same section he again fixated on the media tent and I could hear the clicking cameras this time. I think it was that sound that got him. I got him back one more time and finished the last few obstacles, still pleased as could be to have gotten him to the finals. He seemed happy and peppy, we went out and got our finalist ribbon. I was beaming, still so proud of him. I can't see that he would have thought I was disappointed in him in the slightest, because I wasn't. He was a finalist! Whenever I am asked to list a long term goal for my dogs, making a national final is one of my ultimate goals. Not winning one because so much of that depends on how others do, but just making it has been a dream of mine ever since he was dreamed of (and ironically I made one with Spy before Kraft was even doing agility). There was still one more day, one more run to go. Fancy jumpers the next morning seemed like a fun course, and I wanted to finish strong, with the confident, mature dog I had run the night before. But I went to get him out of his crate and it was like he was a different dog. Clingy, scared, and definitely did not want to be doing agility. I got him playing with his toy a little, and attempted to bring him in to run. But he wanted none of it. Actually stopped and just leaked pee where he was standing. Scared. Ugh, I was so embarrassed, but also upset with myself that I had let myself try to run him when he didn't want to be there. I have no idea what happened. He had over a week off while we drove home. But he did the same thing in class last night. So it will be a matter of building him back up, and I may never figure out what the hell happened to my dog. Terriers certainly don't make things easy.

Marron and Spy had ok runs. Marron was kind of pokey and slow, but it was hot and she wasn't used to it. Spy was solid in her team runs, but I didn't run her like I normally do. I stayed conservative, just trying not to E, trying to just be solid, not brilliant. I prefer running all out and pushing her, much more fun. I love playing team in general, but team at nationals with all that pressure was just different. She flaked out in PGP and popped out of her weaves. In PSJ semis, she was really giving it her all, and might have made finals had she not popped out of a tunnel. Aside from that mistake, it was my favorite run with her since we were really going for it.

So all in all, it was a trip of a life time. There were many high moments even at the event itself. But so many things to ponder. I bought a few of the runs from 4 Legged Flix, and will be putting a music video together soon. I couldn't find a song to fit for a long time, but I think I found one tonight. It will probably make me teary eyed making it. Hope to get it done soon.

Wordless Wednesday (Epic Post to Come)

New Month, New Blog, Newfound Confidence

I've decided to migrate here from my Live Journal Blog. I think it just didn't play well with Windows 8 on my laptop, but it wouldn't work well with my iPhone any more either. Could only see half of photos, there were weird characters, the home page was in Russian. I still check in and read the blogs. I can't stay away. But I've lost interest in composing posts of my own. Hoping that having a new format will give me new motivation.

So on to the newfound confidence. Long story short, August and September were not good months for Kraft and I. Way back when we first started doing baby agility, I knew getting the toy off of me was going to be a problem. Then along came all that RDW work where he got heavily reinforced while victory lapping with the toy. And I still didn't really address the issue. Then three months before his very first national event, I upped the criteria. Such a bad idea on my part. Somewhere in the middle of that, he tweaked a knee again and I worried I'd have to scratch him from his first ever national, worried that it was just another sign that I shouldn't be doing this trip.

Baby steps. We took baby steps. I tried really hard to do it all the right way, but it was really difficult. I'm still not sure I did it the BEST way. I couldn't help it, I was panicking. But, the good news is he feels great. It finally clicked about a week ago. The new behavior chain. We still have a ways to go before I can leave a toy on the ground and take him away from it to work, but at least now I can run a course or a sequence, and he's THERE, he's the old Kraft with all the joy he used to have, the joy that went MIA when he was confused about what he was supposed to do.

So we're going to take all the confidence we can scrape together that has come in the past week or so. We leave for Cynosports next Thursday. All of us. In a Ford Expedition.

Four days there. Six days in California. Then about a week to get back, with adventures in Portland, Seattle, and Montana on the way back. No matter what happens on the field, it's going to be fun and wild and memories will be made. The girls have some great teams lined up. Deb Harpur even made us some fabulous posters.

How could I not be excited about these?