Feeling Unlucky, aka Winter Blues

It was a tough weekend to be on Facebook. Saturday I was signed up to go to a UKI trial in the morning, then come home in the afternoon to go to work. They were predicting snow overnight Friday night. So when I got up and there was already 3" on the ground and it was still coming down, and the weather people were saying stay home if you can, I just couldn't risk it. Didn't want to get all the way there (an hour away without the snow) and then not be able to get home in a timely manner for work. And really, agility isn't worth sliding across the highway. So I'm glad I wasn't 100% committed to both retiring Marron this spring, or getting her UKI championship, since we just lost a whole trial. She'll get to keep trialing for as long as she wants, and if we can do enough UKI to get that championship, so be it. If not, it's only agility and she really doesn't HAVE to get it to prove to me she was the best damn first agility dog EVER.
So yeah, not getting to go was hard enough. But then seeing the videos from people who did go. Of course I'm happy for them, but it just kills me, kind of a "that was supposed to be ME running that course!" feeling. Yeah, jealous of people who have full weekends off, of people who live nearby locations that are putting on lots of UKI. It was held at Clean Run. That space is awfully small, but it looks like the judge did a great job of utilizing the space to make some really fun courses. I'm entered again this weekend at a trial twice as far away. A full day this time, since I'm off this weekend. We'll see if the weather can cooperate.
On top of that, people announced their status for the Jaako and Janita seminar in NH. Again, wah! Pity party for me! The NH seminar is too far for me to travel to, I'd have to get a hotel and that just isn't in the budget this year. But someone on one of their threads announced that they got into the CT on, which means it opened and probably filled already. Which I expected, I figured it would fill with the instructor's students. But that tiny shred of hope that I might get lucky was shot down. Then with Mary away at a seminar at Kayl's in Canada, training field likely covered in snow until April... definitely feeling like where we are is where we will be for a while. And I don't like where we are.
This is helping:

He loves the TV. I don't know if it was strategic, if she was hinting anything, or if it was just coincidence and she happened across it, but Mary left MEB's Foundation Fundamentals DVD set out and told me to feel free to watch it if I wanted. So that's what I've been doing quite a bit of. Now that training outside is out of the question, if I want to train anything, I have to come up with things that can be done in my tiny basement. I see quite a few things that I can do even with Kraft. Trying to turn all this into a positive, though it's clearly not as much fun as running. Not on the DVD, but the dogs got to play 4 way Crate Games last night. It's still amazing how long one cup of kibble can last even when I'm doling out the treats as rapid fire as I was! A cookie for staying in your crate while I gave another dog a cookie! Dogs were happy though, it was a lot of cookies. A lot of brain work even for ME! Who do I owe a cookie to now again? Whose turn is it to be released? I hope I still see it as this much fun two months from now when it's all we've done.

Admiring, Baby Steps, and Distractions

This makes me feel a little better. A handler I obviously admire, a team capable of amazing things and has accomplished much despite some hardships that have struck (after the making of this video). Keeping the bloopers in. Not everyone gets it right the first time they try. It does take work. Mary's off to Canada this weekend for a seminar with Kayl. Really wish I could have gone, but I really have to watch money this year. Just sank $1800 into my car for new head gaskets, which it had been needing for a year. So I will just have to be content to absorb what I can when she gets back. Local seminar announcements for the spring are starting to roll in. Not sure I will get into J & J, but maybe if I don't, I might get into Rosanne D's or Anna Eifert's, which happen to be the same weekend which will maybe help dilute out how many people are trying to get into either one.

In other news, a slight step forward in maybe getting my connection back with Kraft in trials. This past weekend we did three days of AKC, T2B and Standard on Friday, then Standard and JWW Saturday/Sunday. 6 runs, 4 felt super connected and just how I want them to be, 2 were Q's (T2B and standard on Saturday). The other two standard runs, I just made one wrong handling choice on each and set the wrong line, but he did everything he needed to do perfectly. The two runs that did not feel connected AT ALL, the two JWW runs, he broke his start line and there was just no recovering. I verbally marked it and stopped him the first one, then continued, but we still weren't together and he blasted off into a tunnel when he should have been turning. I laughed and yelled "Naughty!" at him and he came out of the tunnel and just stood there blankly staring at me. We were almost done any way, so I just left and headed for the finish jump. I'm just not going to fight it any more if he feels he needs to walk away and think. I don't think this was him "shutting down", he just was confused about what went wrong, and he just cannot think and do agility at the same time. Doesn't mean he was overfaced, he just needs time to process, and if the run was going that badly, why not give him that time? But after that, I didn't want to correct him again for breaking, so when he broke the next day on the very next run, I just kept on going. Will probably put us back in our start line training, but it kept his confidence up, which is priority #1. If I have to get creative with start lines, I will do so. For now, it seems like one jump he can handle, so for standard I set him up very far back from the first jump and only led out just past that first jump so that when I released him, I had time to move forward and cue jump 2, and still decelerate to cue the turn to obstacle 3. Won't work with every course (since not every course has a ton of room behind jump 1 to set him up), and it will be nice to work back towards having a reliable stay no matter where I go, but for now, baby steps. I'll work around it. Will be very interested to see what Tammy's online course will look like.

And in still other news- look what came home with me Saturday from the trial!

He is Kraft's nephew and he will be staying with me for a while. He is NOT going to be permanent, I really can't add a young dog right now with everything I want to do this year with Kraft. If I get another agility dog, I want to be able to do seminars and classes and really focus on building a relationship with the new dog. In order to do that, I need to be in maintenance mode with the currently competing dog, and Kraft and I are far from that level. But a puppy to play with? Socialize? Crate train? Yes, I think that is just the happy distraction I need to stop worrying about what the heck I'm doing wrong with Kraft. He's just so stinking cute! 

So here is "Treble", officially 3BF All About That Bass

I should stop watching other people's videos

Ever watch videos like this one and feel like, damn, we'll never be that good?

 Just feeling down about our abilities lately, for a lot of reasons. Feeling stagnant, like we really aren't getting any where, but I don't have many options to change what we are doing. Something is holding us back. Working through the Next Level tests, I feel like there are small holes, things that we can improve, but nothing major. So it doesn't seem to be obstacle performance for the most past. Looking back at our trials the past few months, start lines have certainly been a problem area that I can improve on, and one that really SHOULD be addressed ASAP. But then I feel like, what the heck was I doing with all that foundations stuff if it's breaking down now? Leaving to go get the leash/toy mid run is another problem, which again makes me feel like a crappy trainer, what the heck did I do all that impulse control work for? Then when I *do* start handling courses, everything feels muddled. I can't even get through 10-15 obstacle training sequences any more. Of course then I start berating myself for even attempting *handling* when I can't keep my dog away from a toy for more than 30 seconds. WTF am I doing wrong? Why can't we get past this?

I'd *love* to change something up, take a seminar, take a private with Soshana or something. But money's tight, and about to get tighter. And it's so hard to get in to any worthwhile seminars. I'm highly doubtful any one but the local instructor's students will get working spots when Jaako and Janita come out this way. Feeling stuck. Nothing's changing, we aren't getting better.

Teetering on the Edge

Yesterday I worked the OMD teeter performance test. Had to break it into parts since I only had one teeter not two, and the sequence also was set up to test the chute, and mine is ripped, so it really was just very short sequences ending with the teeter. Other than being ever so slightly slower when I held back completely, he was completely perfect. But I realized he was only 100% perfect because he doesn't really have criteria. He isn't required to hold a 2o2o, doesn't wait for a release. Just bang and go. But he doesn't fly off, doesn't turn around or refuse if I rear cross, still hits the contact zone. So if he can still maintain the loose criteria I have set and the criteria set by the agility gods (touching both yellow zones) no matter what I do handling wise, then is there anything wrong with the criteria? It isn't slow. But I feel like if he managed to be that successful then I haven't looked hard enough. It's not like I did a ton of work on the teeter. For now I'm just going to call it good, but I might try to test out some things in trials. 

Original Intended Purpose

When I first created my LJ blog, it was intended to be a training journal, where I recorded what we worked on, what needed working on, and my thoughts about my training. Then I got to reading other people's blogs who manage to make these epic, agility as a metaphor for the "meaning of the universe" type posts. Tried to see if I could follow suit, but it's exhausting trying to come up with a greater meaning for every lesson I learn in agility. Heck, it's exhausting just trying to come up with pictures to go with my posts. So we're just going to go back to boring old rambles that don't ever really make a point other than to say, this is what we need to work on.

So things I've been working on. Been trying to make my way through some of the OMD Next Level exercises. Oh the holes you will find! Actually, I've been impressed for the most part with Kraft's skills through most of the obstacle performance tests.
-Table: I think he didn't stop the first time on the one that I was recalling to, but on the second try he did.
-Wall jump- Don't have one, so made those into some funky looking doubles for those exercises. No problems
-Weaves- Needed a refresher on rear crosses with extreme angles, but that seems to be improving. Weaving into the fence also difficult, as well as making the 90 degree entry against a fence.
-A-frame- Need to set up some video with me hanging behind since I can't actually see the contact. I think he might have missed, or at least been higher than I like. This is what he missed in Steeplechase finals at Cynosports, so definitely tops on the list.
-Jumping- Sending forward on a "Go on" cue. You'd think with all the RDW we did go on would be an easy one, but no. And I'm ok with that. Not a top priority for me to have a dog who will take a line of jumps with me standing or walking behind him.
-Tunnel- Have to be careful when I've been working turning to the back of a tunnel that he doesn't anticipate. If I am moving as if I will be in that "1 meter past the tunnel entrance" when he enters, but don't actually make it there because I intend to pick him up on "front side" of the tunnel, he'll still turn to the backside to look for me. Have to be clear when he enters the tunnel where he should look for me when he comes out. That's my handling, not his obstacle understanding.
-Dog walk- Happy to say it was one of our strongest obstacles. Only trouble was the dead ahead send, but he did it on the second try. The exercise was really meant for stopped contacts, but I very proudly did ALL of the moves with his running dog walk- pushing off the end, blind crossing, lateral distance. "Running past" was the only one that I didn't really have an equivalent for. The sequence set you up to be a little behind the dog by the time they got to the end so they could see if the dog held position while the handler caught up and ran past. I changed the sequence to be a "go on", to see if he would drive ahead to the tunnel entrance while I was still running, but falling behind. The dirt was deep in the training ring I did this one in, and I was slower than normal. He did the contact well, but curved towards me to the wrong tunnel entrance.
Teeter will be next and I need a long jump and a my chute fabric is torn, so I need to replace it or sew it.

Another thing that's been bugging me lately, I seem to be able to get through an 8-12 obstacle training sequence just fine. But full courses with the pressure of being at a trial we fall apart. I really want to be able to practice running full size courses more, but the energy to set them up, the cold. I may have to start going to run throughs at Paws again on Tuesdays because Mary's just not up to helping me out moving things here.

Never Prepared

Last Tuesday morning I was almost done with my overnight shift at work. At 7:50am, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I picked it up, expecting to see a text from the day time emergency doctor, saying she would be running late. Instead it was my dad, with a message I had been expecting pretty much since I was old enough to know what drug addiction meant. My oldest sister, Barbara, age 44, had overdosed and was on life support in the hospital. Twenty plus years of preparing for that moment, and I still wasn't really ready for it.

As the details unfolded, it became more clear that this person who always knew exactly how far she could push herself did not do this by accident. She had been a user for more than half of her life and was always adamant that no one ever do it alone. But she had closed herself in her bedroom that night, had been dropping clues for weeks. All of last week was a process of my family processing the fact that this was ACTUALLY happening, this was no longer a matter of speculation of when or how or why. Everything the doctors were saying, I knew there was no way she was going to wake up. It was such a hard place to be. No, I'm not a human doctor, but I am an emergency doctor, this is the kind of scenario I deal with on an almost daily basis: a dear loved one, terminally injured, with the rest of the family left with guilt and grief and loss. I am proud that it never devolved into what I sometimes see: family blaming each other, taking out their anger and grief on each others' faults and shortcomings. It would have been easy to do, but it didn't. Everyone stayed supportive and understanding, sharing the grief equally. And I'm also grateful that when it came time, Barbara did what all of my clients pray their pets will do: make the decision themselves. Another curse of working in emergency medicine is I knew when I walked into the room that day that her vital signs would not keep going much longer. The decision had already been made that that would be the day she would be removed from life support. My biggest fear was that she would remain stable for days after removal, leaving everyone second guessing the decision. But she didn't do that. She had already made the decision Monday night we knew. She just waited for everyone to accept it. I am grateful for the peace that she met at the end.

But it doesn't make the loss easier. I really didn't see or hear much from her. In fact, I felt like I had to hide, afraid that I could be seen as a source because of my job and how close I was to where she lived. It made me a terrible sister. I deluded myself into believing it was for her own good. But she didn't need anyone's help, didn't ever want it and would never have taken it if it were given against her will. What really mattered to her wasn't how long she lived, just that she mattered to others. And I didn't show her that she mattered, that she was my big sister and that was important to me. It wouldn't have made a difference in the demons that she lived with. But she would have known that she was loved, and that was all she really seemed to care about. Services are tomorrow morning. One more chance for everyone to come together. One more chance to say good bye. I see her every where, and I hope that never changes.

How my childhood memory will always picture her. Love you Barbara.

How Much Is Too Much?

I've had some things on my plate this week. Well, just one big thing any way. I'll post some details when it's more or less over and done with. Let's just say I'm incredibly proud of my family. At a time when emotions have run at their highest, everyone has remained supportive without any blame placing or lashing out. Tomorrow, just one more day I think, before tensions can start to subside and we all start to feel relieved. I'm relieved just knowing that there's an end in sight.

I've laid low on the FB front regarding the AKC requirements for 2016 NAC. I really was looking forward to going back there, where Spy made finals in 2013 and where I hoped Kraft would debut at an AKC Nationals. I purposefully made sure not to trial enough for any of my dogs to be close to qualifying for 2015 in Reno, I just didn't want to have to make that trip again. Plus it would have taken a butt load of trialing to get Kraft qualified since he was still in Novice/Open this time last year. He would have broken down for sure if I had tried. Hadn't really intended on trying to get him qualified for Cynosports, that was kind of an accident. IMO, qualifying for Cynosports is a bit too easy. He got his Steeplechase legs his first two tries. He got Masters Challenge by accident, if he had spun the opposite way when I overshot a weave entry, he would have gotten called for the refusal (that I thought he should have been called for any way) and wouldn't have gotten that either. Then I had to send him with a handler to try to get that second GP leg. And it's still way too easy to go to the US Open, no requirements at all (but they are still growing, so I can see why they are keeping it so open, but that's just it, they are calling it an "Open", do they ever plan to place qualifying requirements on who can attend or just keep making it harder to get byes like they are doing this year?) I thought this year would be a good one to bring the focus back to AKC, it would be a good goal to try to get him into masters and get some consistency in order to be able to get the necessary points by the end of the year. It would still have left me time to play in other organizations too, as qualifying in USDAA should go a little smoother now that he has some mileage, and I was hoping to get plenty of UKI in there as well.

But now this. I really just don't see him getting qualified under the new rules without breaking him down. I looked back at Marron and Spy's records from the past two years. Spy qualified with 580 points for Tulsa, 550 points for Harrisburg, Marron had over 700 points for Harrisburg. Marron has a ridiculously high Q rate. With Spy I was going for Invitational points during some of that time and still would not have made the cutoff, though she had some weave pole issues and weird disconnect problems too. Kraft's Q rate is going to be probably even lower than Spy's was during this time. I just can't see increasing how many trials we do per month though, unless we gave up all of those other things we want to do. I mean, Kraft *could* qualify, if I did 4 trial days per month, which isn't that much, but that's pretty much all the trial days I have available. I know everyone is saying it isn't up to AKC to give a Rat's ass what other organizations people compete in. And I agree with that in part. However, they SHOULD care about who they are going to attract to their national championship. And IMO they should want to attract those who are at the top of their game, regardless of venue. Which means playing nice with people who want to participate in multiple venues. And what it sounds like is they don't care if the "high fliers" no longer come to NAC. So it brings the question of where do we draw the line? I can calmly say that this year, Kraft still doesn't have the experience and consistency to qualify for AKC Nationals, since in order to make up for his current inexperience and inconsistency, I would have to trial so often. I will very comfortably just bow out again this year with him. I think he unfortunately falls into one of the unlucky categories of dogs that may have been specifically aimed at, those young dogs who are not running in Masters and qualifying at a consistent rate by the time the qualifying period starts. Spy probably could qualify without increasing her trialing too much, since her consistency is actually better than it was when she qualified for Tulsa (and she missed a month qualifying for Harrisburg for her surgery). But at what point do I vote with my money and say that AKC is asking too much, even of experienced dogs? Where will they draw the line? When will they find some other way of paring down the entries? I agree that they need to keep entries down, not make it too easy to qualify. But at this point I think they are cutting out the wrong subset of teams. Or am I just being sour grapes because I was one of the subsets of teams that is being cut out? The Novice/Open/Excellent dogs with some talent and promise?